you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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