If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
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