So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
