I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
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