i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
She bit a glass in half.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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