So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
I can text with my tongue
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Randomize
