Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
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