Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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