i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
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