he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
