I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I'm sobbing to NWA
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
