yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
