Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
