Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Randomize
