I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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