you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
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