I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
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