I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Randomize
