I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I need a hoe opinion
go on
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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