Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
