Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
