Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Randomize
