Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Randomize
