You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize