I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
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