Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
