my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
