The brown eye won't let me do that either.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
ugly people sure do ruin things
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
