He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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