Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
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