sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
These tits shall not be calmed
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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