I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
