I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
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