Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Randomize
