I like my sex mixed with concussions.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
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