i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
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