She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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