It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Randomize
