I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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