she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Drunk is not a location!
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Randomize
