why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
