I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Randomize
