She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
