you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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