It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
