i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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