I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
