i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize