So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
