Im at strip club and am horny
Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
