True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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