I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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