How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Randomize
