At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Randomize
