that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
