Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
