dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
What's proper 1 nite stand etiquette?
Say hi to his dad and make him some breakfast.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
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