Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
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