He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
