He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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