I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
