I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
