the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
