I will die if light touches me.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Randomize
