i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
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